I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
