This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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