I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize