I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
