He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
