I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
