Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
