After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
