if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
