someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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