Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
