so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
