wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
