I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
