I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
