I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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