Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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