my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
