im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
