im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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