I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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