My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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