I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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