okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
