I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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