I looked at my own cervix.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
