My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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