I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
