I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
