your thong is hanging out like whoa
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
