I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just found puke in my bra..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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