I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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