My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
