Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
