Apparently you make a good broom.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
