nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
