I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
