i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
