Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
