her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
