I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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