**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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