if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
