I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
