I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
