Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
