I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
