cat food counts as protein by the way
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
