this just has baby written all over it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
