Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
