Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
