You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
