Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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