He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
