I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
