just come out here and I will go home with you...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
