wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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