My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
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Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize