saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
