This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
