Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices