Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.