Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
